Millenium Message From The Bridgeburners
Let's take a moment to look back on the last 1000 years.
1000 - 1200 : Religious fanatics kill one another over ancient grudges. Most homes made of garbage and mud. TV programming options extremely limited.
1201- 1491 : A trip to the mud market to buy more mud for the family mud meal would usually involve at least two family members contracting several strains of plague. Treatment for plague involved drinking warm mugs of dung infected with a different kind of plague, followed by the application of leeches to the groin.
1492 - 1620: Columbus popularizes the Carribbean cruise. German brewmasters perfect their craft. Shakespeare delights English audiences with A Midsummer Night's Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo.
1621-1776: Founding fathers, blah blah blah. Why did we win our independence? Simple. English soldiers' diet: tea and crumpets. Our diet: Whiskey and squirrel meat.
1777-1865: A lot of fussin' and fightin' and screwing around. Get your heads out of your asses, people. You still have TV to invent.
1866 -1911: Bowler hats and funny mustaches for everyone!
1912: Titanic sinks, dooming us all to one day have to sit through the first hour of that friggin' movie.
1913-1945: Even more fighting and shenanigans.
1946: American GI's return home to find TV waiting for them. Hallelujah! Also, many advances in the Cocktail Sciences.
1947-1999: You have to ask youself: why did anyone read "Peanuts" all these years? It was never funny. I'm serious. Everyone remembers the Charlie Brown specials growing up as kids,
but can you honestly say that was really funny at all? When you deal exclusively with the comic strip as it appears in the newspaper, it is NOT NOT NOT funny in any way. It always seems like the last square of animation got left out,
you know, the one in which something funny or a punchline or ANYTHING other than freaking Snoopy as a WW1 fighter pilot or Lucy pulling the football away or some other tired old crap.
And furthermore, what's with the bigass DENT that Linus has in his head? Why does Charlie get a round head, but Linus has a bony ridge that pokes up like the damn Elephant Man? Check it out, you'll see what I mean.
Usually a birth defect like that results in the child winding up retarded, although when you think about it, Linus might be after all. Fifty years and he still carries that filthy blanket everywhere he goes,
probably to mop up the drool because his misshapen head has made him a virtual vegetable.
Anyhow, it's too bad that we all led Charles Schultz to believe that his characters were funny and we encouraged that stupid garbage.
Oh, and also during this time period, religious fanatics kill one another over ancient grudges.
So, as you can see... it's been quite a busy thousand years.
We hope you all have a great time tonight, whatever you're doing... and we look forward to seeing everyone in the new year.
We'll probably begin playing out again in March, and hope to have our new CD complete shortly thereafter.
Remember: when the mutants swarm in the streets, on a post-apocalyptic quest for the brains of the living,
aim for the spinal column. Otherwise they'll just get right back up.
Oh, and, if nothing happens...
I propose anyone who uses the terms "millenium" or "Y2K" in casual conversation after Jan. 1 be beaten with sticks.